Harry Potter and the Lord of the Star Wars
by Mody08
Summary: The three main bad guys of Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Star Wars face off against the united forces of the good guys of the same books! Rated T for some mild swearing.
1. Conference Call

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to JK Rowling, George Lucas, and JRR Tolkien respectively. Flamers will be mocked and then ignored, do not flame, it is bad manners. We understand that you feel as though we have ruined your favorite story, because we have and we **_**enjoyed**_** it.**

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Voldemort sighed and cradled the phone against his shoulder, "It's just not fair, Vader. We do everything we can and they still win! I threw everything I had at that Potter boy and he just giggled and shrugged it off."

Another voice chimed in with a whine, "Oh don't even act like you have it the worst. I got my ass kicked by two gay hobbits and a deformed frog looking thing."

"Oh please, I got my beaten by my own son and a couple ghosts." Vader relaxed back in his chair and rested his feet up on the Storm Trooper kneeled in front of him. "Gentlemen, we need to do something about this. These children have gotten away with far too much."

"Well what do you expect us to do," Voldemort asked plaintively.

"I'm not in the mood to get my ass handed to me again," Sauron chimed in.

Vader thought for a moment, "I propose an alliance. We can call ourselves "the Wand, the Ring, and the Force". What do you think?"

"Brilliance! They won't see it coming. We can take them by surprise," chortled Sauron.

Voldemort laughed, "This is splendid! If we work as a team and pool our powers they won't stand a chance!"

"Excellent. We shall all meet tomorrow at the birthplace of evil. Crawford, Texas. I'm sure we borrow the ranch from Overlord Bush," said Vader.

"See you then," Sauron hung up the phone with a click. He shouted for his bags to be packed.

"Bye bye," Voldemort put his phone back on the hook and called for Wormtail.

Vader hung up and looked down at his part time footstool. "You, Trooper, what's your number?"

The Storm Trooper looked up, "Um…number 857, sir but my real name is –"

"You'll be coming with me," Vader got up and strode out of the room. 857 let out a whimper and got up and followed Vader out of the room.

As Vader began to lazily pack his things using the power of the force, he mused out loud about the newly formed alliance to Storm Trooper number 857.

"Of course, I will be the most powerful of the three, but we won't tell them that, will we 857?"

The Storm Trooper quickly shook his head. "You are the most powerful being in this galaxy, Lord Vader!" he said in a somewhat strangled voice.

"That's just the problem," said Darth Vader. "The other ones aren't from this galaxy! We're in a galaxy far, far away you idiot!" Vader sighed and regarded the Storm Trooper for a minute. "857…Can you keep a secret?"

The Storm Trooper, stunned by Darth Vader's recent outburst, dumbly nodded his head.

Darth Vader wrung his hands, and said, "Well… I mean… I'm afraid that Voldemort and Sauron won't like me!" He stopped, waiting for what he hoped would be an uplifting response from the Storm Trooper.

857, unable to think of a better response, only asked, "Why not?"

As disappointed as Darth Vader was in the idiotic Storm Trooper's groveling abilities, he continued, "Well, to start, I'm afraid they won't like the way I dress. I mean, I've seen Voldemort out in Armani suits! And what have I got? A clunky black _thing_ that isn't even very versatile and makes me breathe funny."

The Storm Trooper interrupted, saying, "I think your black suit thing is very fashionable sir! Trés _you_."

"Yes, well, you don't know anything, and I know everything, so stop talking 857." 857 nodded and Vader continued his rant. "And they both have this weirdo thing about being alone in the world, not caring about others, not having a family! What if they don't like me because I love my children!"

Vader pulled out an ostentatiously large golden locket out from under the front of his armor, and opened it. He fondly stroked the rim of it before continuing. "Ah, Luke and Leia. When will my love for you be out in the open, my children? Daddy loves you both." Darth Vader put the locket away, and becoming aware of the Storm Trooper staring at him, said "We just won't tell them about that, will we?" in a much harsher voice.

The Storm Trooper shook his head again, and Vader, seeming to believe him, went on with the third reason for his insecurity. "I also think they'll treat me badly because I'm only a human! Under this armor, I'm still pretty vulnerable, and Voldemort is like a wizard-snake thing now, and Sauron is… Well, what is Sauron? An elf maybe? Or some really crazy Orc? Does anyone know?"

"I don't think so Lord Vader. I guess we'll find out at the ranch."

Darth Vader continued to muse about Sauron. "He's that eye, right? That really creepy fire eye? Is there more to him?" Giving up on this train of thought, Vader looked at his luggage to make sure he had everything. As he could only fit one black suit of armor in the bag, he figured he was done.

"857, how is our new Death Star coming?" Vader hoped to use the new and improved Death Star to travel to Earth, to impress the other two villains. "It should be done by tomorrow, right?"

The Storm Trooper became nervous and fidgeted. He cleared his throat a few times before continuing. "Well sir, I, um, I actually meant to tell you this earlier. The, um, theDeathStarwasdestroyedwhileyouwereonthephone."

Darth Vader paused. "Destroyed by who? How could you let this happen?!"

857 gulped and said, "Well, sir, you were using me as a foot rest at the time."

Vader, who was about to Force choke the incompetent Trooper, stopped, remembering. "I was, wasn't I? Well, who broke my Death Star? I will destroy the unfortunate Jedi who came near it!"

"It was Princess Leia, my lord."

All at once, Vader had tears of pride in his eyes. "Leia? _My_ Leia? She killed my indestructible Death Star?" His words became thick as his tears came faster. "I'm s-so proud of my baby! She's as good as her daddy!" Darth Vader sobbed loudly.

The Storm Trooper squirmed, unsure of what to do, until Vader suddenly regained control. "Since my wonderful and talented daughter has destroyed the Death Star, we'll just take some other flashy ship. You get to choose one 857. Surprise me."

857 felt as though he could cry.

Sauron sighed. There would be no way for him to make it to Texas; he was after all, a giant flaming eye. He called for his most trusted minion, Saruman. Saruman strode into the room and waited in front of his master. "Saruman, I have a task for you."

Saruman bowed his head respectfully, "Yes, lord?"

"You will journey to Crawford, Texas and meet with Lord Voldemort and Lord Vader. We're joining forces to take over the world. Seeing as how I am the most powerful of the three, you shall be the one bringing all of the true power to the meeting. Pick an Orc to go with you. Grishnak should be acceptable."

Saruman nodded, "Yes, Lord. I shall go right away." Saruman turned and left the room. As soon as he had shut the door behind himself he did a little hop-skip and twirled about. Finally, he thought, a chance to crush that hobbit once and for all! Saruman hustled off to pack, calling for somebody to go find Grishnak. Half way to his room he stopped, a horrible thought on his mind.

What if they did not understand? What if they did not accept him for who he was inside? What if one of them tried to borrow one of his dresses?

Saruman made a silent vow to himself, only take the dresses he didn't mind sharing. Yes…that would do nicely.

Grishnak watched Saruman pack, "Sir, do you really need to take the…ahem, lady's underclothes?"

Saruman swirled to face him, "I like the support they give! Nothing more!"

Grishnak held his hands up, "I wasn't sayin' anythin', Lord. Was just wonderin'."

"Hmpf, well keep your "wondering" to yourself in the future," Saruman turned and resumed his packing.

Grishnak hung his head and silently prayed that an Elvin arrow would find him before he had crossed the border out of Middle Earth.

Lord Voldemort stood in front of his gilded full length mirror, modeled after the mirror of Erised, and admired his clothing choice. "I really think these Armani suits are quite _spiffy, _don't you Wormtail? I think they tell people, 'yes, he is evil, but he has class and good taste.'"

Wormtail looked up from packing Voldemort's things and nodded. "The classiest, my Lord."

"And I think they also say _power_. As I will be the most powerful of our alliance, I think this is a very good thing." Wormtail coughed loudly, and Voldemort turned from the mirror. "Yesss? What is it?"

"Shall I pack these for you, my Lord?" Wormtail held up a very meticulously shined pair of tap shoes. "And these as well?" He gestured to the ballet flats on the floor.

Voldemort, displeased that Wormtail had mentioned the _unmentionable thing_, answered, "Yes Wormtail, and never speak of it again, or you will lose both of your hands this time."

Lord Voldemort watched Wormtail pack his robes and suits with disinterest for a few minutes, before saying, "You realize Wormtail, as distasteful as it is to me, you will accompany me to Texas. Do not attempt to run away." Wormtail whimpered a bit, and Voldemort rolled his eyes.

Voldemort turned away from Wormtail, hearing Nagini from the shadows. "_Don't you think you should take me, my Lord? I will be a much better companion then that imbecile."_

In Parseltoungue, Voldemort answered, "_You may come as well, my dear. I do need a boa for my Britney dance routine._" Seeing that Wormtail had finished packing and shut the trunk, Voldemort marched out to the brooms. He went over to his broom, a Firebolt which had 30 "Republicans for Voldemort" stickers on it and got onto it.

Turning to Wormtail, he asked, "Do you think Overlord Bush will approve of my campaign?"

Wormtail answered, "Of course, my lord! You stand for everything he and his party believes in. You will have his full support." Wormtail strapped Voldemort's trunk onto his Cleensweep Five, jealously eyeing Voldemort's Firebolt.

"My Lord?" ventured Wormtail.

"Yes? Are you ready?" asked Voldemort impatiently.

"Why don't we just apparate into Texas?"

"The only way to campaign, you idiot, is to spread the word. I need for everyone to know that the Republicans stand behind me! Throw these stickers down as we fly." He handed a large pack of "Republicans for Voldemort" stickers to Wormtail. "I'm so pleased that they seemed to have picked me as their next candidate. I don't know who came up with this idea, but it must have been a genius!"

Voldemort and Wormtail kicked off the ground and flew into the night, a trail of "Republicans for Voldemort" stickers swirling down in their wake.

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A/N:

Kady: Well I hope you guys liked it. We're having fun with it so far. Next chapter: The Good Guys!

Mona: I hope you liked it too! YAY messing with fictional characters is fun!


	2. Sleep Over!

_Disclaimer: All characters belong to JK Rowling, George Lucas, and JRR Tolkien respectively. _

We now present…the Good Guys!

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"And so then, Voldemort was like, 'I've thrown everything at you! What are you going to do now?' and you know what I did? I giggled at him and then beat him." Harry gazed around the room at his fellow "good guys"; they were all having a sleep over. Ron, he was pleased to see, was filled with adoration after his story, but the others didn't seem to be paying attention.

Luke Skywalker sat idly in a corner, using the Force to zoom random objects across the room. Han Solo was fiddling with his gun. Frodo, it seemed, was rocking back and forth and talking to himself, and Sam had disappeared; Harry thought he could hear noises coming from the kitchen.

Han Solo looked up from his tinkering. "Are you done kid? You're boring."

Abruptly, Harry felt his eyes fill with tears at Han Solo's accusation. _I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry._ As a mixture of sadness and angstiness filled him, Harry struggled to speak without letting his tears show. "So what do you want to do then?"

"I don't know kid, anything but listen to you. Duh."

Harry suddenly had the uncontrollable urge to yell. "You know what Han Solo?! You're just a side kick! A stupid side kick! LUKE! Why don't you do something about him?! He's YOUR side kick!!"

Luke, upon hearing Harry scream his name, lost concentration on the box he was currently floating around the room and it immediately fell on Frodo's head.

Frodo looked at the box hatefully and went back to stroking his ring. Only when Sam was around was Frodo relatively normal and hobbit-like.

Luke was well aware that trying to control Solo was a wasted effort, however, he wanted Harry to stop yelling. It was annoying. He waved his hand lazily in front of Han Solo's face and said, "You _will_ stop bothering Harry Potter."

Han Solo looked at Luke and said, "I told you not to do that kid. It's irritating." Luke simply shrugged.

Solo turned back to Harry. "You know what? Your parents are dead and nobody loves you." He pulled a large vodka bottle out from his sleeping bag and took a large gulp.

Harry couldn't breathe. What did Han Solo mean, nobody loves him? _Everybody loves me_, thought Harry bitterly. _I'm freaking Harry Potter. EVERYONE on this planet loves me_. He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't notice Ron come over to his side.

"_I_ love you, Harry," said Ron adoringly. "You're so cool, and smart, and just way better than me."

"Go away, Ron!" yelled Harry. "I'm all alone in this world! Let me be alone! I hate all of you people! You don't understand what it's like to be the hero!" Ron, who staunchly believed this was Harry's way of showing his love, walked away happily.

At Harry's outburst, Luke, who was now working on fixing Frodo's toy lightsaber for him, looked up and raised his eyebrows. He shook his head, and went back to the lightsaber, an exact replica of his father's.

Solo grumbled to himself and took another swig of his vodka. He settled back into an arm chair and took out a copy of "Interstellar Hustler" and proceeded to ignore the rest of the group.

Sam bustled around handing out night time snacks to the good guys. "Here you go, Mr. Frodo! Tea and cakes, a perfect snack for a hungry hobbit!"

Frodo took the snack, "Thank you, Sam. Without you I would surely lose the battle against hunger."

Sam smiled softly, "Anything for you, Mr. Frodo."

Harry coughed loudly, "I'D like some tea and cakes too you know!" He scowled at the hobbits. "Stupid hobbitses…"

"Yeah, me too! You know…" began Luke.

Solo sighed, "Oh dammit, here we go again…"

"My aunt and uncle are dead, my parents are dead" his bottom lip quivered.

"Yeah, well MY PARENTS ARE DEAD TOO!" Harry's eyes began to water. _Why doesn't anybody understand me? My problems are so complex_ Harry sniffled loudly.

Luke turned and screamed at Harry, "AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T SNOG YOUR SISTER!"

Frodo added his voice to the fray, "YEAH, WELL I HAD TO DEAL WITH FRIGGEN HORDES OF ORCS AND LIVING TREES!"

Sam and Ron sat next to each other quietly, watching the hissy fits of the three heroes rage. Sam handed Ron a cake. Ron looked at Sam, his eyes full of wonder. "You…you would give this to me?"

Sam smiled, "Of course! We're friends, friends give each other gifts."

"Harry…Harry only gives me his left-overs," Ron looked up into the hobbit's eyes.

Sam smiled and patted Ron on the hand. Solo leaned over and grab a handful of the cakes and began to unceremoniously eat them between mouthfuls of vodka.

"Mr. Solo would you like—"

"Shut up, fat hobbit," Solo turned the page in his magazine.

"I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES OF DOBBY BEING UNDER MY BED!" Harry's voice dropped to a whisper, "Watching me….always watching….and giggling."

"At least you didn't have a balding lizard with a speech impediment try and eat you…" Frodo said hugging his elf doll.

Luke sniffled quietly, "She's my sister….."

Harry stuck out his jaw; _I'll be strong for them. They need my leadership. I will be the rock in their stormy seas of life. I am the chosen one, I can do this._

Frodo's eyes grew large. A small squeaky voice came out of his inner chest pocket, _"Frooodooo, oh Froooodoooo, put me on Frodo. Put me on, we can defeat these other heroes. We don't need them."_ Frodo began to rock back and forth, mumbling to himself. "Shut up, shut up, I won't listen to you. Shut up."

Luke tilted his head to the side, much like a confused puppy, and watched Frodo.

Harry leapt up and pointed his wand at Frodo, "It's Voldemort! Voldemort has possessed him!"

"Harry, NO!" Ron got up and made a slow motion jump for Harry. "Dun…dun….DDDDUUUUUUNNNN," he tackled Harry, making the sound effects as he slowly dropped Harry to the ground, "PWSSH-Boooom…"

Harry struggled against Ron, "Get off me, you ugly wanker!" He hit Ron upside the head.

Sam ran over to Frodo and wrapped his arms around him, "Fight it, Mr. Frodo! Fight it, don't listen to the ring!" He rocked Frodo tightly in his arms.

After a moment, Frodo looked up into Sam's eyes. "Thank you, Sam…" He put his hand softly on Sam's cheek.

"Damn gay hobbits…" Solo turned the page in his magazine with a sigh.

"RON!" Harry called. "I'm getting sleepy. Can you come tuck me in?"

As Ron walked over to Harry, Sam turned to Luke, Frodo, and Solo. "I think it's time for all the heroes to go to bed actually. You don't want to wear yourselves out!" He began to help Frodo into his sleeping bag.

Luke watched Harry and Frodo being pampered by their sidekicks and began to get jealous. "Han Solooooo," he whined. "Why don't you ever tuck me in? Why doesn't anyone love me? Oh my god, I kissed my sister! I hate my life!" Luke burst into tears and burrowed into his sleeping bag.

Solo rolled his eyes. _Why the hell am I here? I'm not sidekick material._ Han Solo believed he should have been the hero. He WAS a hero! _The Skywalker kid is weak. I'm the coolest one here_. Solo planned a revolution in his head while he read his magazine.

Sam, easily the most helpful sidekick in the room, bustled around and made sure all of the heroes were tucked in and comfortable, not just Frodo. After giving Frodo his Legolas doll, he walked over to Harry and Ron.

Harry was already asleep with his Hagrid bear. As Harry muttered in his sleep, Sam watched him with concern. "Stay away from me Dobby…no, stop it…stop giggling…" He patted Harry on the head, before walking away to check on Luke.

On the way to Luke's sleeping bag, Sam noticed a Yoda doll on the floor; Luke had been zooming it around the room earlier using the Force. "Luke?" Sam asked tentatively. "Do you want your Yoda doll?" The doll floated out of Sam's hands and into the sleeping bag. "Well, there you go then." Sam smiled at the lump in the sleeping bag and began to walk back over to Frodo.

Han Solo, seeing that all the heroes were asleep, called softly across the room to Ron and Sam. "Guys. GUYS. Come here!" Looking confused, the two sidekicks ambled over to Solo. "Didn't you guys ever think you should be more than sidekicks? Didn't you ever think you could be the…hero?" Han Solo whispered.

Sam looked scandalized at the idea, and Ron began to whimper. "What the hell are you whimpering at kid?"

"If Harry knows that I'm even talking to someone about something like this…he'll yell at me! And he won't be my friend anymore!"

"Yeah, but if YOU were the hero, you wouldn't have to worry about what Harry thought," said Han Solo, but his words fell on deaf ears. Ron had his hands over his ears and was rocking back and forth, singing the theme to "Happy Days."

"Sam? What about you? Ever wanted to be the hero?" Han Solo asked.

Sam shook his head resolutely. "My job here is to help Mr. Frodo. He needs me."

Han Solo, exasperated with the other sidekicks, took a swig of his vodka and went into his sleeping bag. "Whatever, guys. Go to sleep. You suck."

Sam and Ron looked at each other and shrugged. "Good night Ron!"

"Good night Sam!"

The morning dawned bright; the heroes and sidekicks were woken by the sound of birds singing and the smell of bacon cooking. Frodo and Harry trudged up to the kitchen with their respective sidekicks in tow. Luke looked around for Solo, but not seeing him, shrugged and followed the rest to the kitchen.

Solo stood in the kitchen, cooking bacon and pancakes. He reached into a pocket on the front of the yellow checkered apron he was wearing and pulled a pack of cigarettes out. He lit one and flipped the bacon while puffing out a stream of acrid smoke.

"BACON!" shouted Sam.

Solo grunted, "Try and let the rest get some first, fatty." He took a plate of bacon and one of pancakes over to the table. "Here. Dig in." He snagged a pancake and put a few pieces of bacon in the middle and rolled it up like a burrito.

As Harry, Ron, and Luke dug in, Frodo looked up at Solo, "What about second breakfast?"

Solo flicked cigarette ash at him, "Make it yourself."

"But…but I'm a hero…I don't cook…" Frodo's bottom lip began to quiver.

"Never fear, Mr. Frodo! I'll make you as much breakfast as you want!" Sam stood and began to cross over to the kitchen.

Suddenly Harry stood up, "SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS!" Harry and Ron bowled Sam down on their way out the kitchen. Luke ran after them with Frodo in tow.

Solo looked down at Sam, "Pathetic." He turned and followed after the heroes because after all, even smugglers enjoy their Saturday morning cartoons.

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Mona A/N: So considering I've never written a story before, I've never known that reviews could make people feel so happy! It's like a drug addiction! Please fuel my drug addiction…

Kady A/N: Yeah, fuel the drug addiction or…draw us some fanart!! Personally, I'd love to see Solo in an apron (and not much else…heh). Send your fanart to


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